WASTED MEALTIMES
Have you ever finished a family meal and wondered what happened?
You were all together and then it was over and the only positive happening was that most everyone's stomachs filled up.
"If only there was something to help make mealtimes more significant," you say wistfully, then sigh while looking off in the middle distance.
MY JOURNEY
More...
A few years ago I started reading through the Proverbs each month. Interestingly, they are written to boys and were clearly a kind of training manual for raising young men in wise living. This seemed important given that we are raising five boys. Regardless, they provide sage advice for all of us.
My problem was applying them and finding ways to engage my kids. More often than not the individual proverbs were too archaic leaving my children with a questioning look when I would bring them up.
What would your ten-year-old do with Proverbs 11:1
?
"A false balance is an abomination to the Lord,
But a just weight is His delight."
You see what I mean. Of course, I could explain the idea giving a mini-lecture, but my goal was to get my kids to engage, not just give me a chance to talk.
This began an experimental process to find ways to make the wisdom of the Proverbs come alive to my kids. I tried to re-word them, to make up parables or stories that captured the idea, to pick out "easier" verses, read them, and survey the kids' thoughts. None of it worked.
TWO STREAMS COME TOGETHER
While this was happening Laurie and I were struggling with making our mealtimes more meaningful. We have a couple of kids with strong personalities, and they would lead the meal conversation when given an opening. They are good kids, but their priorities were not necessarily the same as ours.
I was also intentionally trying to live out Deuteronomy 6:4-9, the Shema.
God makes it clear that one way we love Him is by impressing His commands on our children in every situation including when we "sit at home". I was convicted that I had not been doing this. I repented and asked God to make a way. I wanted it to be organic and spur-of-the-moment but also wanted to take advantage of set times.
Describe a time when you Ignored counsel and wish you hadn’t.
BREAKTHROUGH IDEA - DISCUSSION STARTERS
That is when all of this came together and God gave us a solution.
As I meditated on the Proverbs I realized that I was not good at coming up with stories from them or even rewording them, but I could develop discussion starters that captured their essence.
When I focused on a specific verse long enough I came up with a question or statement that would capture a key idea within the verse. My initial goal was to come up with 365 starters, but I quickly passed that number before I was halfway through the book. I hope to put them out in sets eventually, but for now I picked 26 to share with you that go from A to Z. Each of the 26 has a word beginning with a letter of the alphabet.
Here is an example for the letter I taken from Proverbs 1:30
"Describe a time when you Ignored counsel and wish you hadn’t."
Note: You can look at the verse or not. It does not matter for the discussion but may help you to take it deeper.
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Benefits of Using the 26 Discussion Starters
- 1Family mealtimes are enjoyable with lively discussion, listening, and learning
- 2Each family member grows in wisdom
- 3Each family member improves leadership and group facilitation skills
- 4Family members learn to agree and disagree in a safe environment
- 5God's Word is obeyed
- 6Visitors are integrated into discussions that can easily include the whole family
HOW WE USE THEM - FINER POINTS
Our family has found these discussion starters to be invaluable to our family mealtimes. On the downloaded PDF you will see that they are given in two different formats. One is a list and the other is on squares that you can cut out.
CARDS
I cut out the cards and have kept them in a little wooden box on our dining table, but they can easily be kept anywhere. The key is putting them in a place you will remember. Until it is a habit, you have to put them in an easy to access and/or very visible place or you will forget them until it is too late.
ACCESSIBLE
I asked a group of friends to test these for me to make sure they would work with other families. Those who used them found them to be quite powerful. However, quite a few did not use them because they didn't have them printed out and put where they would see them. Thus, I cannot recommend enough that you need to get rid of the friction by printing them.
10-YEAR-OLD CUTOFF
Once that is done, the rest is easy. During the meal I pick the next card and read it. The discussion flows easily from there. The Discussion Starters are designed to not need explanation or lecture. Our eight-year-old had no problem joining in on most of them, although the older kids definitely had more to say. Laurie thinks that ten years old is probably the cut-off age meaning if you only have young children, it will be a stretch.
FULL PARTICIPATION
Everyone gets to speak and most of us pick up something new. I don't try to get certain points across, but rather just let the discussion go. My main grading system was on whether discussion was sparked rather than on whether certain points were made. All of the starters are open-ended, meaning I have no set answer in mind when I write them.
FACILITATION
I have also found that the discussion goes better when I wait to speak and make sure as many get to share as possible. They each need to feel safe so that means I needed to facilitate pretty strongly early on until they got the hang of it. If someone offends or says something hurtful, then it needs to be dealt with quickly so that future sharing time can be successful.
BE REAL
Also, we have found that being preachy or overly-spiritual puts a damper on the discussion. Be real. If the question is about what you love, say what you love. Of course, we love Jesus and feel free to answer as such, but we have found it is best to find a way to acknowledge we all love Jesus so let's think of other answers. Even with Jesus, I could say that I love when I'm meeting with Jesus in the early morning, and He speaks to me in a personal way like he did the other day and then give the anecdote. Or I could say that I love catching up with old friends that I haven't talked to in a long time. Either way, hopefully, I have pushed the conversation along without being trite or making people feel they have to be something they are not.
(LOOSE) CONNECTION
In addition, as you go through them you may question the connection between the starter and the specific proverb. Some of them are clear while others are quite loose, but I think all of them capture some aspect of wisdom the proverb encapsulates and will engender good discussion.
GOAL AND PURPOSE
My main goal in doing this was to catalyze discussion of God's Word during mealtimes in such a way that my kids engaged, and I could share as a participant rather than the "teacher". That has been accomplished which has been encouraging. On top of that, our family has grown in our ability to listen to each other and to engage in discussion over substantial topics. All that remains is growth in wisdom, but I don't think we will know that for a few years still. So far I'm happy with the results.
ALTERNATIVES
Besides family times we have found a few other ways to use the cards. Try these and let us know unique ways that work for you.
1. VISITORS
We have found that these work well when we have visitors as well. Sometimes with visitors the conversation can be one-sided focused only on the visitors or only on the adults. These Discussion Starters guarantee that everyone will share and keep the conversation substantial which is not always easy depending on the visitor.
2. MULTI-GENERATION
Lately we have also found that having a grandparent present has added much to our conversations. These starters provide a perfect opportunity for Laurie's mom to share her spiritual journey with her grandchildren. Our kids have heard her share about her relationship with Jesus in different situations, but this has provided a new way for her to share her unique perspective.
3. LEADER SWITCH
Another option to try that will grow your kids' leadership skills is to take turns leading the discussion. After you have set the ground rules and done it a few times to the point that everyone knows what is expected, switch up the facilitator role and let each family member have a turn. This will be a great opportunity in a safe environment for them to learn to lead a small group discussion. If it is appropriate, you can debrief how it went each time so that everyone can learn. You may want to do the debrief first when you are leading so they can see you receive correction and feedback first. Regardless, this is a skill they will be happy to have acquired.
4. SMALL GROUP
And lastly, if you are in a small group and looking for an ice breaker that will get everyone talking, but is more substantial than favorite toothpaste, then try these Discussion Starters.
YOUR TURN
What do you think?
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About the Author:
Duke Dillard
Duke empowers people to fully live out who God made them to be and what God is calling them to do in community. He does this through writing, coaching, mentoring, consulting, and developing courses. Duke and Laurie have been enjoying their bumpy journey together with Jesus since 1995. They have persevered and grown their love through brokenness and much grace and mercy. Together they have lived in four countries, learned five languages (poorly), are raising seven children, and have built community with some of the most amazing people in the world. Duke is happiest when he is spending time alone with Laurie.