STUDIES SHOW...
Do a quick search of statistics on families eating together, and you will find that this is a very popular topic. The benefits are numerous, but the statistics are ambiguous.
I don't need science to tell me that eating together as a family brings great benefits. Our family has experienced it for many years. One of the benefits of living overseas and homeschooling for us was that our kids were involved in fewer activities which resulted in eating dinner together 6-7 nights per week for most of our kids' lives. Now, that we are back in America we are jealously guarding our schedule and finding it difficult. I understand the issue and, again, am writing to push myself as well.
SCIENTIFICALLY SHOWN BENEFITS
However, one family's experience does not prove much so we should look at what the studies show:
More...
NO CONDEMNATION BUT DON'T MISS OUT
With all of those benefits one would think that every family would be eating together every meal and lingering at the table. However, this is not the case.
Clearly, many members of our society have decided, probably unconsciously, that other things are more important or will achieve those benefits. This goes with being exhausted and finding the battle to keep the kids at the table or to cook after a long day just too much.
I get it. No condemnation here. My purpose in spelling all of this out is not to make you feel bad, but to challenge all of us to rethink the decisions we are making.
How many evening meetings are we scheduling (small groups, clubs, committees,...)?
Are our kids' activities producing all the benefits listed above and thus worth skipping meals for?
Do I have to work late as often as I do? What if I didn't? What if I started earlier instead?
If dinner isn't a regular option due to schedules, how about breakfast?
What do you want for you and your kids? Are you arranging your life to achieve it? If not, find a way to change it.
Of course, we all want the best for our families. But life often overtakes us, doesn't it? I wanted to know how we are doing as a society in this area so dug into some numbers.
CONFUSING STATISTICS?
These are ambiguous, to say the least...
Piecing this together leaves me thinking that there is some room for optimism, but that many of us need help turning our desires into realities in this area.
TWO GOALS: QUANTITY & QUALITY
The two main goals for families need to be:
- 1Eating dinner together as many evenings per week as possible but at least three (more is better).
- 2Staying at the table for at least 20 minutes. This will be a stretch for those with young children, but, trust me, it is doable and gets easier as the children learn that it is a firm boundary. As your youngest family member ages try to increase this to at least 30 minutes and more is better. To do this you need a plan; see below for some ideas and tools.
PRACTICAL HELPS
How do we get there from here?
AUDIT
First we must figure out where we are. Take a week and do a family meal audit. Note these three details:
- 1How often you eat together (whole family living at home).
- 2How long you are all at the table.
- 3What you eat and how it was received.
MEET & SET GOALS
With that in hand, sit down with your family, explain the results, and decide on some goals. Setting these together will increase your chances of success.
You may want to give some statistics showing how important eating together is.
Perhaps have your family members share memories of eating together. Good memories will reinforce your goals; bad memories will be good to work through and understand the problem so you can fix it and not repeat it in the future.
EVALUATE & REPEAT
Next, you need to decide what changes need to be made to meet your goals. Be honest here and get everyone to commit to making it work. Make sure everyone has a role to play to ensure success. Make a plan to meet again in one week. Then do it for a week. When you meet again evaluate how it went, make adjustments, and go for another week. Once you get it down you will need to do it for at least three months to make it a habit. Be sure to check in at least monthly to make sure you are still on track.
MORE HELPS
For many, this is what you need. However, some of you will be interested in some more ideas that may help your time. Following are some things we do that have helped establish traditions, build identity, form character, and make mealtimes special.
1. Pray and Sing
When Emily was a baby we stayed with a family for a few weeks who sang a song before every meal. We started doing it and never stopped. Our family has almost zero musical gifts, but we do enjoy our mealtime songs.
2. Father at Head of Table
We have found that having the father sit at the head of the table (mother, of course, if there is no father) sets the tone and allows me to better lead us discussions. Everyone can easily see me and I them.
3. Honor Cook
Take time to honor whoever prepared the meal. For us, this is usually Laurie. This is most often a matter of saying thank you and noting how delicious the food is. I'm sure there are many ways to honor the cook, but one of them should be verbal.
4. Honor the Women
There was a time when the men would not sit down before the women. This is not followed so often today, but the sentiment is a good one. Boys can get the chair for girls (good training). This is one of those biblical principles that is applied quite diversely depending on the culture. The value is what is important.
5. Savor and Enjoy the Food
This is a challenge for me as I have been working to eat slower but often forget. Make a game of eating slow or do something to remind yourself to go slow. This plays a big role in enjoying the people around you and allows for better digestion.
6. Gratitude
Take time to be thankful. This can happen in the prayer and in thanking the cook, but also in taking time to express gratitude for whatever happened in the day. The benefits of gratitude are too numerous to mention here.
7. Chores
Everyone who is capable should have chores to help with clean up and preparation. With our big family Laurie has made a chore chart so that the kids know their tasks and have learned to do them without complaining. Over the years how we have divided chores has changed, but having the kids do different jobs has been a wonderful blessing to our family.
8. No Cell Phones
No phones or ipods or ipads or any form of electronic distraction at the table. No exceptions. Nothing is as big a killer of family time around the table as electronic gadgets.
9. Need a Plan
This all sounds good but to get everyone to sit around the table and engage for 20 plus minutes (at least 30 hopefully) requires more than just "faith, trust and pixie dust." You need some tools to help the engagement. Here are some ideas that we have found fruitful:
Click the link and download the 26 Discussion Starters. These will spark good conversations during mealtimes. Inspired by the Proverbs they will help your family pursue wisdom.
11. One Conversation
I got this from Michael Hyatt. The idea is that you can only have one conversation going at the table at a time. If there are four people at the table, you can't have two conversations going. You need to all be engaged in the conversation. Of course, this isn't a law, but it is very helpful for keeping everyone engaged.
Click the link and learn about FROZORNS. Are you able to draw your children out in terms of sharing the good and bad of their lives, and the feelings that go with those? Read this to learn how to make it a common practice for your family.
13. Do a Bible Study/Family Devotion
After everyone is done eating, open the Bible, read a passage and have a discussion. Let everyone share. Ask some questions if discussion doesn't happen naturally. Good questions are: What do we see God doing in this passage? What do we see people doing in this passage? What do we learn about ourselves in this passage OR what would you have done if you had been a character in this passage? What will we obey from this passage? With whom can we share this passage?
This has been profitable for our family over the years. If you are doing it already, great. If you want to make some changes, now is the time to go for it.
Growing up, my family regularly watched TV while eating dinner. I enjoyed it then but, looking back, am saddened. I made a rule that we will not watch TV during mealtimes, and that has been wonderful for us. I highly recommend it.
MORE BENEFITS
With all of that said and thinking about our family times, I came up with a few more benefits that we have seen. Perhaps these will be the final encouragement you need.
YOUR TURN...
So, what are you going to do? Please share your plan and experience with a comment below or on our Facebook Page.
Some related posts you may enjoy:
Powerful Questions To Ask Kids After School
WEAK QUESTIONMid-August means school is close to starting if it hasn't already
Real Life Ethical Dilemmas for Families with Teens: Gambling & Divorce
TRAIN UP A CHILD…Family meal conversations may be the best opportunity we
Family Habit # 3: What We Say Is What We Pray
DISCIPLING OUR CHILDRENDiscipling our children is one of the greatest privileges we
About the Author:
Duke Dillard
Duke empowers people to fully live out who God made them to be and what God is calling them to do in community. He does this through writing, coaching, mentoring, consulting, and developing courses. Duke and Laurie have been enjoying their bumpy journey together with Jesus since 1995. They have persevered and grown their love through brokenness and much grace and mercy. Together they have lived in four countries, learned five languages (poorly), are raising seven children, and have built community with some of the most amazing people in the world. Duke is happiest when he is spending time alone with Laurie.