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Family Habits #1: Regularly Eating Together

STUDIES SHOW...

Do a quick search of statistics on families eating together, and you will find that this is a very popular topic. The benefits are numerous, but the statistics are ambiguous.

I don't need science to tell me that eating together as a family brings great benefits. Our family has experienced it for many years. One of the benefits of living overseas and homeschooling for us was that our kids were involved in fewer activities which resulted in eating dinner together 6-7 nights per week for most of our kids' lives. Now, that we are back in America we are jealously guarding our schedule and finding it difficult. I understand the issue and, again, am writing to push myself as well.

SCIENTIFICALLY SHOWN BENEFITS

However, one family's experience does not prove much so we should look at what the studies show:

More...

  • This Canadian study found that children who routinely eat with their families "are more likely to experience long-term physical and mental health benefits".
  • Other studies found that kids do better in school, feel better about themselves, bounce back from disappointment more quickly, and have a lower risk of drug use, obesity, depression, teen pregnancy, and eating disorders. Wow!The 
  • Washington Post says it is the "most important thing you can do with your children." 
  • And still other studies showed that when families eat together consistently the family members have better relationships, are happier, have less stress, and the family saves money.
  • In addition, the studies show that these benefits don't come from quick meals but from lingering together. One study specifically found that family meals averaging 20 minutes were significantly more beneficial than those with a 16 minute average. Interesting.

NO CONDEMNATION BUT DON'T MISS OUT

With all of those benefits one would think that every family would be eating together every meal and lingering at the table.  However, this is not the case.

Clearly, many members of our society have decided, probably unconsciously, that other things are more important or will achieve those benefits. This goes with being exhausted and finding the battle to keep the kids at the table or to cook after a long day just too much.

I get it. No condemnation here. My purpose in spelling all of this out is not to make you feel bad, but to challenge all of us to rethink the decisions we are making.

How many evening meetings are we scheduling (small groups, clubs, committees,...)?

Are our kids' activities producing all the benefits listed above and thus worth skipping meals for?

Do I have to work late as often as I do? What if I didn't? What if I started earlier instead?

If dinner isn't a regular option due to schedules, how about breakfast?

What do you want for you and your kids? Are you arranging your life to achieve it? If not, find a way to change it.

Of course, we all want the best for our families. But life often overtakes us, doesn't it? I wanted to know how we are doing as a society in this area so dug into some numbers.

CONFUSING STATISTICS?

These are ambiguous, to say the least...

  • Americans now spend more of their food budget on eating out than on groceries.
  • Almost half of families surveyed said they ate dinner together 6-7 times in the last week. Is that bad or good?
  • Another study found that 50% of families eat dinner together 0-3 times per week. 
  • Yet Another study found that 75% of families eat dinner together at least 4 nights per week. (This study was from 2003.)
  • And this Washington Post article quotes statistics saying that the percentages are much higher. However, it is a bit deceiving because it is counting eating with a family member versus eating as an entire family.
  • All the studies show the trends are going in the wrong direction even though parents want to eat together more often.

Piecing this together leaves me thinking that there is some room for optimism, but that many of us need help turning our desires into realities in this area.

TWO GOALS: QUANTITY & QUALITY

The two main goals for families need to be:

  1. 1
    Eating dinner together as many evenings per week as possible but at least three (more is better).
  2. 2
    Staying at the table for at least 20 minutes. This will be a stretch for those with young children, but, trust me, it is doable and gets easier as the children learn that it is a firm boundary. As your youngest family member ages try to increase this to at least 30 minutes and more is better. To do this you need a plan; see below for some ideas and tools.

PRACTICAL HELPS

How do we get there from here?

AUDIT

First we must figure out where we are. Take a week and do a family meal audit. Note these three details:

  1. 1
    How often you eat together (whole family living at home).
  2. 2
    How long you are all at the table.
  3. 3
    What you eat and how it was received.
MEET & SET GOALS

With that in hand, sit down with your family, explain the results, and decide on some goals. Setting these together will increase your chances of success.

You may want to give some statistics showing how important eating together is.

Perhaps have your family members share memories of eating together. Good memories will reinforce your goals; bad memories will be good to work through and understand the problem so you can fix it and not repeat it in the future.

EVALUATE & REPEAT

Next, you need to decide what changes need to be made to meet your goals. Be honest here and get everyone to commit to making it work. Make sure everyone has a role to play to ensure success. Make a plan to meet again in one week. Then do it for a week. When you meet again evaluate how it went, make adjustments, and go for another week. Once you get it down you will need to do it for at least three months to make it a habit. Be sure to check in at least monthly to make sure you are still on track.

MORE HELPS

For many, this is what you need. However, some of you will be interested in some more ideas that may help your time. Following are some things we do that have helped establish traditions, build identity, form character, and make mealtimes special.

1. Pray and Sing

When Emily was a baby we stayed with a family for a few weeks who sang a song before every meal. We started doing it and never stopped. Our family has almost zero musical gifts, but we do enjoy our mealtime songs.

2. Father at Head of Table

We have found that having the father sit at the head of the table (mother, of course, if there is no father) sets the tone and allows me to better lead us discussions. Everyone can easily see me and I them.

3. Honor Cook

Take time to honor whoever prepared the meal. For us, this is usually Laurie. This is most often a matter of saying thank you and noting how delicious the food is. I'm sure there are many ways to honor the cook, but one of them should be verbal.

4. Honor the Women

There was a time when the men would not sit down before the women. This is not followed so often today, but the sentiment is a good one. Boys can get the chair for girls (good training). This is one of those biblical principles that is applied quite diversely depending on the culture. The value is what is important.

5. Savor and Enjoy the Food

This is a challenge for me as I have been working to eat slower but often forget. Make a game of eating slow or do something to remind yourself to go slow. This plays a big role in enjoying the people around you and allows for better digestion.

6. Gratitude

Take time to be thankful. This can happen in the prayer and in thanking the cook, but also in taking time to express gratitude for whatever happened in the day. The benefits of gratitude are too numerous to mention here.

7. Chores

Everyone who is capable should have chores to help with clean up and preparation. With our big family Laurie has made a chore chart so that the kids know their tasks and have learned to do them without complaining. Over the years how we have divided chores has changed, but having the kids do different jobs has been a wonderful blessing to our family.

8. No Cell Phones

No phones or ipods or ipads or any form of electronic distraction at the table. No exceptions. Nothing is as big a killer of family time around the table as electronic gadgets.

9. Need a Plan

This all sounds good but to get everyone to sit around the table and engage for 20 plus minutes (at least 30 hopefully) requires more than just "faith, trust and pixie dust." You need some tools to help the engagement. Here are some ideas that we have found fruitful:

Click the link and download the 26 Discussion Starters. These will spark good conversations during mealtimes. Inspired by the Proverbs they will help your family pursue wisdom.

11. One Conversation

I got this from Michael Hyatt. The idea is that you can only have one conversation going at the table at a time. If there are four people at the table, you can't have two conversations going. You need to all be engaged in the conversation. Of course, this isn't a law, but it is very helpful for keeping everyone engaged.

12. FROZORNS

Click the link and learn about FROZORNS. Are you able to draw your children out in terms of sharing the good and bad of their lives, and the feelings that go with those? Read this to learn how to make it a common practice for your family.

13. Do a Bible Study/Family Devotion

After everyone is done eating, open the Bible, read a passage and have a discussion. Let everyone share. Ask some questions if discussion doesn't happen naturally. Good questions are: What do we see God doing in this passage? What do we see people doing in this passage? What do we learn about ourselves in this passage OR what would you have done if you had been a character in this passage? What will we obey from this passage? With whom can we share this passage?

This has been profitable for our family over the years. If you are doing it already, great. If you want to make some changes, now is the time to go for it.

Growing up, my family regularly watched TV while eating dinner. I enjoyed it then but, looking back, am saddened. I made a rule that we will not watch TV during mealtimes, and that has been wonderful for us. I highly recommend it.

MORE BENEFITS

With all of that said and thinking about our family times, I came up with a few more benefits that we have seen. Perhaps these will be the final encouragement you need.

  • Eating with loved ones heals our souls - The Bible makes it clear with repeated examples of how important eating food together is for us as humans. We are made to enjoy good food and good fellowship. Regularly eating with those we love is as powerful as anything we can do to produce healthy souls.
  • Sense of family identity - Our family identity is built on a host of activities, values, and events. Mainly it comes from spending time together and what we do during those times. Regularly eating together gives us countless opportunities to form the bonds that make us US.
  • Deeper connections equal healthy families - We long for connection. It doesn't happen accidentally. Regularly eating together means that we have many opportunities to connect at a deep level as a family unit which means that we will be more healthy. It is not surprise that studies show this to be true. It is how we are made to be.
  • Right priorities train for life - Making regular mealtimes a priority communicates to our children that being together is part of what makes life meaningful. They will pick it up and will carry it with them. Also, since it is not always easy to do, it will train their character to more easily accomplish difficult callings. And it instills family values without needing to voice them.
  • Other? What benefits have you found?
YOUR TURN...

So, what are you going to do? Please share your plan and experience with a comment below or on our Facebook Page.

Some related posts you may enjoy:

About the Author: 

Duke Dillard

Duke empowers people to fully live out who God made them to be and what God is calling them to do in community. He does this through writing, coaching, mentoring, consulting, and developing courses. Duke and Laurie have been enjoying their bumpy journey together with Jesus since 1995. They have persevered and grown their love through brokenness and much grace and mercy. Together they have lived in four countries, learned five languages (poorly), are raising seven children, and have built community with some of the most amazing people in the world. Duke is happiest when he is spending time alone with Laurie.


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