Family Foundations #6: Parenting Our Children To Spiritual Maturity

I have purposely used different words to describe the result we are pursuing. Often, many of us think of spiritual maturity in terms of Bible knowledge which makes it easy to think that Sunday School and youth group can do the trick. But Christlikeness is so much more than answering some questions about the Bible or memorizing a few verses. The rest of this list will help fill in the blanks, but we want to see our children grow up into adults who love their neighbors as themselves, who bless their enemies, who are loyal to their spouses, who work with integrity and stand up for the vulnerable in society, who are courageous and humble, and on and on. Without the Bible I couldn't come up with this list, but this kind of character comes from a Spirit-filled life in community. It requires intentionality and setting priorities and abiding in Jesus, but it does not require graduate degrees.

The salvation, justification, and sanctification of our children is God's job. He graciously partners with us, but the results are up to Him. This means that prayer is vital, it is the lifeblood of our calling. God knows what is needed in each step and season. He knows if something is a phase or a deeper issue. In prayer, we listen to God, ask for Him to act, put our kids before Him, cast our cares upon Him, confess and repent, and experience His freedom. We express gratitude and receive instructions. Even brain science shows that our brains are wired to be healthy through the act of prayer which means that just the act of praying in faith makes us healthier and better parents.

We must take time to be in our right minds, to have the correct perspective, namely that God gave us our kids. We are the best parents for them, and they are the best kids for us. Any difficulties, problems, struggles, and failures are within His bounds. Let me repeat that, "There is no failure bigger than God's power to heal and reconcile." Remembering all of this when relationships are at a low point and/or our kids are going off the deep-end is soul-keeping.

This is a no-brainer, I know, but I am talking here about really being in love with Jesus, enjoying Him, talking about Him, spending time with Him. Don't do this to be a good parent, just do it because He is worthy. But if you're not there, don't fake it. Be honest with Him and let Him walk with you to get to that place. Let your kids see your relationship with Jesus.

My mom had Muscular Dystrophy; her body slowly wasted away over many years. She went from running marathons to walking with braces to not being able to walk. She shared her journey with us, and Jesus was in the center of it.

If you are married, love your spouse next after Jesus. You are a spouse before a parent. The most important parenting move you can make is to love your spouse well. A healthy marriage provides a much greater opportunity for secure kids. Go on dates. You don't have to spend a lot of money, just get away together. Your kids need to see you do this.

If you are separated or divorced, then still love your spouse. I don't know what that looks like, but your kids need both parents and so allowing God's Spirit to bring you to a place of loving your ex (whatever that looks like) will bring healing to your soul and help your kids at a soul level as well. If you say it is impossible, I'll tell you the story of the lady who came to Christ and then became close friends with and took care of the woman that her husband left her for when the woman was in the hospital with cancer.

This may seem like a strange starting place as the first thing to mention in relation to your children, but it is most important. If your children, especially as they get older, will not listen to you if they do not feel connected to you. This means playing with them, reading to them (all the way through high school is surprisingly powerful) taking walks, eating meals together, take them on dates, show interest in their interests, make time for them. find ways to say yes to their requests to spend time with you, play games, do projects together, and on and on.

This embodies most of what is on this list since doing those things will be modeling, but the key is that you do some things in front of your kids. Don't do it as an act, but just order your life so that your kids see you live it. We want to be us in such a way that our kids feel free to be themselves. I want to lead in apologizing, confessing, and repenting when appropriate. Include them in giving and tithing.

We can't schedule opportune moments. This is probably the hardest thing for me since I don't like to be interrupted and struggle if things are unfinished. My wife is great at this. This involved being present (another struggle for me) which often means putting the phone away and being mindful and aware. As spouses we need to hold each other accountable to this.

As I mentioned above don't hesitate to share the things you are learning with your kids. Of course, they need to be age appropriate, but start early and make it normal. Share blog posts and books and article and videos and podcasts. Go to the library regularly. They need to know that every question and doubt and issue they encounter has been dealt with in the past; the answers are out there if they know how and where to look.

One last note on seasons of life and devotions. Over the years we have done devotions all together, or just me and the kids, or just Laurie and the kids. Ideally, the dad will lead the devotion times, but that isn't always possible. If the mom is leading, the dad needs to make times in which he is speaking spiritual truths into his children's lives. A good supplement to devotions is our 26 Discussion Starters.

Make regular times to check in with your kids. After an event or work or school I'll ask, "How did it go? Is there anything I need to know? or Anything out fo the ordinary?" Or, after youth group each week on the way home we will let them share how it went or if they need a push, we'll do Frozorns. This is another way to connect and instills in your kids from an early age a confidence that you care and they can talk to you about anything because you want to know. Of course, you have to be prepared to respond well to whatever they say.

I mentioned this above, and it goes with the next one, and it really only applies to some of us. I have friends who are always having fun with their kids. It is their personality, comes naturally to them. That is not me which is perhaps why I'm mentioning it a few times here. Make a list of the last five times you had fun with your kids. If you can remember or it covers more than three months, then take this to heart and make some changes.

I wrote about this in another post, but regular celebrations are vital to the soul of a family. There is a reason God instituted multiple, annual feasts and celebrations in the Bible. The world is broken and messed up, and we each have no shortage of issues and problems, but God is good and cares for us and has saved us and adopted us into His family, and we have lots to celebrate. We must be intentional about this. Laurie and I are making this more of a priority and so at the beginning of each month we discuss what celebrations to have that month. We are trying to mark days on the calendar that are special to our family to celebrate each year like "The day we closed on our house" or "The day we bought the car" or "Keaton's first day of his first job" or Fill in the blank ___________________.

I posted about this as well. Randomness and spontaneity can be good, but most of us need structure. Traditions provide that along with many great memories and family identity. "We are the Dillards, and we do so and so at Christmas and so and so at Thanksgiving and such and such when we eat together". All families have traditions, but not all traditions are intentional and healthy. Creating some meaningful family traditions will help your children internalize your values and grow into Christlikeness.

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