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Family Activity #1: Roses and Thorns or FROZORNS

ROSES AND THORNS (FROZORNS)

We were on our way home after a wonderful day of picnicking by the lake with friends when I asked everyone to share their Roses and Thorns from the day. Each family member shared their highlight and lowlight of the day with most of the emphasis being on the highlights of a great day. However, our youngest son, around eight or nine at the time, shared his thorn describing how one of his friends had said something mean to him. He was still sad. This colored the whole day for him. Hearing his story we were able to comfort him and help him work through forgiveness and healing. I thanked God for this gift which revealed a hurt that would have otherwise remained hidden looking to plant seeds of bitterness.

...BY ANY OTHER NAME...

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Our family calls them Roses and Thorns. I have heard other families use Happies and Crappies, and Highs and Lows, as well as Bright Spots and Bug Spots. We tried to translate the idea into Turkish, and they came up with idioms that literally mean 'What makes you smile from ear to ear' and 'What makes your boat sink in the Black Sea'. Call them what you like or have fun creating a name, if it helps your kids embrace the idea. 

BUT WHAT IS A FROZORN?

I have come to realize that the person who is aware of what they are feeling and can deal with it, is the most powerful person in the world. They can handle any situation and nobody can control them. The problem for me is that I'm terrible at this. More often than not, I just react without processing my feelings. Determined to help my kids be better we added the sharing of feelings to our Rose and Thorn times. Now, our kids share their Roses and Thorns and add how they were feeling as well. Making this a habit has broadened our feelings vocabulary (see links below for Feeling Words Lists), encouraged our kids that sharing feelings is normal and preferred, and helped us all go deeper into our experiences. Thus, we have Feelings, ROSes, and thORNS = FROZORNS. Now, we just ask everyone to share their FROZORNs, and off we go. 

ROOTS IN EXAMEN

You may or may not be interested to know that this practice has roots from the 16th century in St. Ignatius' daily Examination of Consciousness or Examen as it is commonly known. He used Consolation and Desolation instead of Roses and Thorns. This is a practice that Laurie and I practice daily and actually write out in our journals. Taking time to sit with God and process the day from a perspective of what we are thankful for and what we are not thankful for has been powerful, especially when we take time to discuss them with God and gain perspective on what we considered good and bad. Often, taking this intentional time with God allows us to see His goodness even in the Thorns.

A book that has really helped us understand and implement this is Sleeping with Bread.

The Marquette University - Faith at Marquette website explains the Examen as follows:

"To help us become more present and disciplined to the experience of God in everyday living, and to encourage us to live more consciously in and of the presence of God in our daily lives, Ignatius gifted us with what he called “the most important prayer” that we could do, the daily Examination of Consciousness or the daily Examen. In the Examen, we have an opportunity to spend a few moments reviewing our day, paying special attention to the moments we most felt God’s presence with us, and conversely, becoming aware of the times when we felt separated from God. The Examen further invites us to practice living in gratitude as we are asked to remember those people, situations and events in our day for which we are most grateful, and also to ask special blessing and prayer for those hopes and concerns in our hearts. Lastly, the Examen reminds us that each day we may ask forgiveness for any and all transgressions in which we feel we did not follow the best path that God offers to us in our words, thoughts or deeds. By recognizing our need for forgiveness and God’s desire to forgive us through this daily examination of consciousness, the power and freedom of living in ongoing redemption becomes possible. Our spiritual path becomes a dynamic experience of conscious living based on our relationship with God."

THE SCIENCE BACKS THIS UP

Unsurprisingly, the latest brain science advances are in line with Biblical instruction. Being thankful alters our brains in positive ways; even trying to be thankful is helpful for those who feel that they have to be 100% authentic. You're good just trying. Check out these articles for more details if you need more convincing: Inc.com and Thrive Global.

HOW TO DO IT

This is not complicated to institute but can take some time to become habit depending on your family practice of sharing up to this point.

  • Take time to explain the process and purpose to your kids/group before doing it. This may be something you need to do the first few times to make sure the foundation is set. As mentioned above you may want to allow your family to come up with a name for it to make it more special for y'all or feel free to use "FROZORNS".
  • Explain that everyone will get to share and that interruptions are not allowed.
  • Each person shares their Rose and how they felt when it was happening. Then they share their Thorn and how they felt. If they want to share their Thorn first, that is fine.
    Note 1: You may want to print out a "Feelings List" and make it available to widen the vocabulary. We have found this quite helpful. There are tons on the the internet. I did a quick search and found some good ones. Click here or here or here or here or here for good options.
    Note 2: "I know you said no interruptions but what about asking questions?" Great question. Asking questions in the midst of the sharing time can be tricky. If everyone feels safe and comfortable, then questions can be powerful for going deeper and strengthening connections and the sense of feeling understood. However, if the environment is tense or anxious, then questions can emphasize the sense of threat and shut people down. If it is a good environment, then I encourage questions. A general rule is to ask more open questions that encourage deeper sharing. Don't ask a yes/no or closed question except for clarification if it is necessary. Also, avoid "Why" questions as they generally put people on the defensive. Who, What, When, Where, and How questions for which the answer is not known by the asker are the best questions.
  • Once everyone has shared, ask if anyone else would like to share anything, and then you're done.
WHEN TO DO IT

One of the great things about this practice is that you can do it any time with almost any group and how well people know each other is not a hindrance. But since our context here is families, we have found that the best time is during a meal. This has the triple bonus of promoting good conversation during meal times, learning about everyone's day in paragraph answers, and creating an expectation of connection.

Besides meal times we use this tool after events or big weekends or celebrations. Often we will do this in the car on the way home. With this the time frame could be the last 24 hours or a week or weekend or since we last shared or even about the last 2 hours. Whatever works for you, is good. 

BOTTOM LINE

We cannot schedule when our kids will want/need to talk, but we can make a regular habit of sharing our thoughts and feelings in family settings in such a way that when our kids have something deep to share, they won't think twice about coming to us.

YOUR RESPONSE?

What about you? Please leave a comment below as to how you use this tool and/or how it has impacted your family.

Click to see all the Family Activity Posts.

About the Author: 

Duke Dillard

Duke empowers people to fully live out who God made them to be and what God is calling them to do in community. He does this through writing, coaching, mentoring, consulting, and developing courses. Duke and Laurie have been enjoying their bumpy journey together with Jesus since 1995. They have persevered and grown their love through brokenness and much grace and mercy. Together they have lived in four countries, learned five languages (poorly), are raising seven children, and have built community with some of the most amazing people in the world. Duke is happiest when he is spending time alone with Laurie.


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